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Today Paul McCartney officially announced his engagement to Jane Asher. (Presumably he consulted with her first, though he could be a bit imperious in his personal life.) We People of the Future know that no such wedding ever took place. Why?

There are two main reasons. One is that Paul cheated on her, a lot, and would get caught red-handed (or whatever-handed that is) a few months from now. The other is that although they seemed from the outside like the perfect Swinging London couple, in truth they were a mismatch. Jane was ambitious and independent-minded, whereas, according to Cynthia Lennon, “Paul wanted her to become the little woman at home with the kiddies.”

Oddly enough, Paul’s ideal pairing would turn out to be with another headstrong, career-oriented woman, Linda Eastman. It was just a question of finding the right one, I guess. Seems like things worked out well for all involved; Jane went on to a long and happy marriage with cartoonist Gerald Scarfe, and many years of people pestering her about what it was like to date Paul.

It was also Christmas, just like it is every year about this time. Which is why your humble scribe finds himself in a food-and-drink-induced semi-coma at this relatively early hour of the evening. I think we will call that good for today. Tomorrow the BBC is showing The Beatles’ new movie — it’s bound to be great, right?